Last week I got a call from my mother, who informed me that a friend’s daughter wasn’t dating this young guy that we had met and spent time with at a recent horse show. I was surprised that she felt the need to let me know, until she followed that information with, “Jennifer, he hung himself this weekend.”
I had been walking around with a “bad feeling” that I have been known to have before someone I know dies for about a week. I tried to ignore it, as I always do, but it was just as persistent as always. The problem with the “feeling” is that I never know who will be crossing over or when, but I have never had the feeling and been wrong.
After my mom told me this, we got into a discussion about depression and how there are so many people who are affected by this “disorder”, and many of those people either do not know that is what they are experiencing or they really do not have an effective way to deal with it and move out of it. This is, to me, an unnecessary tragedy, but I know from years of experience first-hand that depression is very serious and affects people of all ages. The odds are incredibly high that you know or have known someone who was faced with some form of depression. And if you want to get a glimpse at how common depression as become in the U.S., count how many anti-depression medication commercials you see on television in any given week!
First and foremost, some depression can be treated with medication that can be taken for a period of time to get the brain functions back in order. Medical professionals are able to properly diagnose depression, so if you have been struggling, consult a qualified professional about your best options. Keep in mind that getting help for depression DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE WEAK OR DEFECTIVE! If you broke your leg, would you just continue on with your daily life ignoring and trying to hide the pain? Do you think you would be able to perform everyday tasks like you would normally? You would probably get help, get treatment. Unfortunately, there is still some kind of stigma that surrounds depression, but usually we are our worst enemies and the worst judgment would probably come from you and not someone else.
Also, be sure to do your own research about depression, because as with everything (and from the unconscious standpoint), having a broader frame of reference can allow you to have realizations that can help you manage the depression and maybe even help you start to crawl out of the experience that you are currently having. One of the symptoms though, of having depression is the feeling that nothing matters and that there isn’t anything you can do to change it. Depression usually makes you feel (and think) that there is just something wrong with you, which causes you to feel hopeless. If any of these descriptions fit, know that you are not defective, and that what you are dealing with is treatable, even if it takes some time and experimenting with different approaches to overcome it.
I am going to share with you my understandings of depression from my personal experience as well as experience that I have from working with clients, but I strongly encourage you to do some more investigating on your own. I am not a doctor or a psychiatrist, so please do not try to use the information here to diagnose or treat yourself, because depression is often a medical condition that needs to be diagnosed and treated by an appropriate professional. The information here is intended to help guide you toward getting appropriate help and hopefully will be used in addition to any medical treatment
Depression, according to Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life, stems from “Anger you feel you do not have the right to have” and I can see how she comes up with this, but usually the anger is not something we are aware of and walk around seeing. Consider that statement and look back in your past and just notice if any anger and/or GUILT come up. If not, but you think you are depressed, know that the anger and/or guilt can be deeply buried and hard to see at first. You can also look at any potentially traumatic events or circumstantial shifts in your childhood to see if, logically, you can imagine being angry about. Divorce has been much more common in the last decade, and ironically, so has depression. If children identify with their role models (usually parents) and there is a split in the home, this could effect the overall perception someone forms about themselves, and this perception could be causing problems in their adult lives. Divorce is not the only traumatic event for children these days, however. So look to see what might have been traumatic for you, as an innocent, trusting kid.
I am going to take it a little farther and say that my theory is that depression comes from the perception of being unworthy and an unconscious need to punish your self; “I’m not good enough” thoughts and feelings. It is the deep, dark feeling that you are invisible, that you are not like other people and that you do know how to be. “Everyone else is living life but me” was a common thought that I had when I was depressed.
There are different forms and stages of depression, and I am not going to try to cover everything here, but the depression that I am speaking of is not the temporary mild sadness, although that can be the beginning of depression. Depression can sneak up on people and before they know it, they are looking in the mirror and seeing a stranger. After my dad died, I was grieving, I was sad. But it didn’t lift like grief does. I went from mild depression, to severe depression to what is referred to as “manic”. Manic depression is really sporadic, having you up and down in drastic shifts of your emotions and thoughts from the negative to positive. I was 13 when my dad died, and the depression really hit a few months afterward.
Teenagers and young adults suffer from depression just like adults do, but if adults have a hard time recognizing depression for what it is and addressing it properly, how do you think teenagers and young adults fare? Not good. Teenagers and young adults might even have it more difficult because of the lack in experience dealing with peer pressure, the need to fit in and the lack in confidence in their sense of identity. Most adults have had time to adapt to who they see themselves as, are fairly okay with deflecting peer pressure and have had more experience managing emotions than teenagers and young adults. Someone needs to pay attention to these young people and try to help them, but seeing the signs can be difficult because people who are depressed are usually really good at “putting on a happy face” in attempts to not burden the ones they love as well as look like a failure. “Snap out of it” is one of the worst things a depressed person can hear because if that were really likely or possible, depression wouldn’t be an issue in the fist place, and being told to snap out of it can actually reinforce the feelings of failure and inadequacy.
Depression can cause a person to appear self-less, trying desperately to please others to win acceptance in the hope to minimize feeling unworthy, but depression itself is something that promotes selfish tendencies in the long run because it makes a person unable to relate to other people and be related to. Someone who commits suicide is often seen as selfish because of the effects that their death causes those who love them. “How could that person be so selfish and put their friends and family through this?” Keep in mind that more than likely people do not attempt suicide with that in mind, in fact, they probably feel like their death will be a relief of some kind to those who love them and will not cause them anymore trouble than if they were to continue to live.
They say that people who talk about suicide and express suicidal thoughts are just crying out for attention and are not seriously thinking about killing themselves. Is this true? Sure, to some degree. The people who are serious about killing themselves don’t necessarily want anyone to know because they do not want to be stopped. But I have never been okay with blowing off someone who is talking suicide because I know that when I spoke of it, I was seriously thinking along those lines but I did want someone to step in and help me. I couldn’t assume that someone wouldn’t take that kind of action just because they are crying out for help…they are crying out for help for a reason!
Most suicidal people do not really want to die! The “logic” behind the suicidal thoughts is more like this, “I don’t want to die, but I can’t live like this anymore and I can’t change it…I’ve tried.”
Depression is one of those things that is practically impossible to understand if you haven’t dealt with it yourself firsthand. But just because you have never dealt with it, this does not mean that it should not be taken seriously. Pay attention to yourself and the people around you, because there are “warning signs”. But just because there are warning signs, keep in mind that if you try to help someone you love deal with their depression and that person still takes their own life, try to find comfort in your efforts. On a spiritual level, we are each on our own journey and if you try to help someone and your efforts are fruitless, there may have been something that the suicidal person’s soul wanted to experience or help others experience by that person’s death. We take action, as best as we can, but ultimately each person is one their own journey and sometimes certain things are unavoidable. This is not to assume that a person with depression is destined to be depressed or destined to be suicidal! All I am saying here is that we all make choices and if you try to help someone who, for whatever reason, is not open to receiving help, do what you can but realize that ultimately, the one who you are trying to help is one their own journey. Do what you can, and leave the rest up to the Universe to guide. Talk to your loved-one, and more importantly, LISTEN. You can give suggestions, but you might find that you are better able to offer true help if you truly listen to what is said, verbally and non-verbally. Do your own research and talk to a professional if you think that someone you love is depressed.
I didn’t have many people who could help me. My mother was suffering from her own severe loss and dramatic changes after my dad died. My sister moved out of the house. I spent a ton of time alone and tried to surround myself with people who could distract me from my doom and gloom. My teachers knew that I was depressed and a few of them had been known to pull me aside and try to talk to me to help me cope. Unfortunately, a few positive words wasn’t enough to change how deeply sad and hopeless I felt. But their words did help temporarily, and helped me keep trying to find hope.
I had my best friend and she knew how serious my depression was. One night, in my hopelessness, it took everything that I had to call her instead of taking deadly action. “I need you here…I’m afraid of what I might do.” She was at my house in about 3 minutes and just sat with me while I sobbed and sobbed. I am sure she felt helpless, heck, we were so young. I tried to tell my mom that I was worried about myself before I called her but my mom was dealing with so much of her own stuff that I couldn’t bare to add to it. When my friend and I were talking late into the night, I told her that I needed to get help. I had been seeing a psychotherapist (who was a doll) for over a year, but progress was slow and relief was very fleeting. The following day, when I went for my appointment I told him what I knew he needed to hear in order for him to be required to help me. He made a phone call to a place designed to help teenagers cope with depression and other “mental illnesses” and then he called my mom.
My mom was not in full support of admitting me into that kind of place, saying, “Once you do this, you will always be plagued with this on your records!” My response was, “Well, that won’t matter if I knock myself off, mom…it is either I do this or I don’t have a future.” She couldn’t see how depressed I was because I had become a wonderful actress. People saw me as super friendly, polite, confident, outgoing and compassionate. Hell, I had at least two peers a week come to me to help them with their problems! I even had a teacher seek me out to talk with me about his daughter’s recent death because, as he said, “Not many people have suffered the kind of loss you have, Jennifer.” He and I became friends and helped each other periodically deal with our grief. We would sit in the school library for hours at a time pouring out our hearts and comforting each other.
I have not had to deal with depression for years now, but it took a long time to learn how to manage it, and for years I knew that I was only two steps ahead of the depression, and if I let my guard down, even briefly, I knew that I would succumb to it once again. But unlike most people, I am not ashamed of the depression in my past. I do not see myself as defective or bad anymore. I have been able to, because I refused to give up on myself, figure out what was going on with me and take steps to help myself, even if other people didn’t see those steps as necessary. If you have depression, don’t give in. Depression can be one of those things in life that helps you know yourself better and get to a place of feeling whole and lovable. Depression has been a huge part of reason that I have been able to help others; it has motivated me to dissect human consciousness, spirituality and life. It has helped me to become strong in all ways and survive. I am happy to say that I no longer “survive” but I now live. You can too. And if you want my help in understanding depression, and helping you to not feel the way you do, just call…
Some practical steps you can start with today (in addition to talking with your doctor or a psychiatric professional):
Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Write them down. Start a journal to get some of that stuff out of your system because if you don’t have an outlet, that energy stays in your system and builds momentum. You can also use the journal as a way to start to investigate what is going on with you.
Look for the patterns in your thoughts and feelings; pinpoint the most common ones. Look into doing something like EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique- www.emofree.com) to help shift some of the thoughts and emotions as well as help you uncover more of the cause. You can use EFT on the patterns that you notice in your thoughts and emotions.
Talk to people, and more importantly BE HONEST. Make the choice to step over the temptation to hide how you feel and talk. Understand that if you think that the people in your life would be better off without having to deal with you and your problems, you are wrong. People love you, and although they may be caught up in everyday things themselves, they would never agree that anyone would be better off if you were not alive.
Talk to your doctor about how you feel, and ask for help. Your doctor may prescribe an anti-depressant or refer you out to someone else for treatment. Keep in mind that most treatments take a while to become effective and as I understand it, can be more effective over time. Also, you may have to have the medication changed once or twice in order to find what works best for you. It does you little good to take something and lie about the effects because you wantthe meds you are on to work.
Try to get some exercise if you can muster up the will-power. It has been shown that working out can help relieve symptoms of depression. Do a Google search on depression and exercise to find out more about this. I know it can be difficult to engage with this kind of thing when you are depressed, but you don’t have to commit to a huge work-out practice, just start small and be realistic with your goal. Go for walks, ride your bike. Dance in your basement a couple times a week.
Some forms of depression can be addressed by your own means, but sometimes medication can be the best avenue to help your body adjust whatever imbalance may be present. If you decide to use medical treatment, set a goal to use it for a period of time and use the relief that you get from the medication to dive deeper into the other possible causes for the depression, because the body gets its direction from the mind. Psychotherapy can be helpful (although most people feel that the progress can be rather slow), also hypnotherapy, energy work, acupuncture, herbal remedies, etc. Don’t quit trying, and give whatever you try a fair chance.
There are also support groups that offer a ton of help and now that the Internet is so widely available, you can also find online support and message boards that could help you connect with others and even get suggestions.
Do what you can to take care of yourself as best as you can, but understand that trying to conquer depression on your own is often an unnecessary challenge. Help is available, but if you do not reach out, no one can offer their assistance. You are in charge of you, and although you may not understand this or feel this way, the choices you make in dealing with your depression can affect the rest of your life. If you need to, use your anger to get motivated and take control of getting help! Below are some links that you or someone you know might find helpful, but as always, use your own discretion. And if you think you might have depression, please seek professional assistance as soon as possible or call 911 if you are having suicidal thoughts…
http://www.depression.com/index.html
http://www.webmd.com/depression/default.htm From Webmd.com
http://www.emofree.com/articles.aspx?id=10 EFT Article/Site
http://www.healingwell.com/pages/Depression/Message_Boards_and_Chat/ A Message Board and depression Chat place.
http://forteenagerswithdepressionandoranxiety.yuku.com/ A site for teenagers with depression or anxiety.
These are just a few places that I found online, but there are many more available. Please don’t take depression lightly…someone you know might be effected right now.
Namaste’
Jennifer Tavana
Hypnotherapist, Channel, Personal Development Instructor
586-255-6685
