There comes a time in our lives when we are given opportunities to grow and expand our ideas of who we are and what we desire. Often these opportunities don’t come in pretty packages wrapped in smiles and laughter, although they can. Usually what pushes us to look at who we are and what we stand for is a challenging issue of some kind; having to face something that seems completely out of our control for example. This often looks like change that we didn’t see coming or didn’t ask for, we are unprepared. And because we are creatures of comfort, finding security in feeling like we know what to expect, 
unexpected changes can cause us to resist the flow of what is best for us and cling to what we thought we had.
Often we don’t realize how some of our choices have directly influenced this challenging opportunity, but in time it becomes easier to see. When I am faced with this type of scenario, I have to remind myself that there is a fine line between taking responsibility for my part and blaming myself, because when I blame myself I cause unnecessary judgment and it becomes a more tangled mess. Blaming is not positive, and blaming ourselves often involves us taking false responsibility for something, or for someone.
Our relationships are one of the best ways that we are given opportunities to grow and explore our capacity to love not only another but ourselves.
And it is often through our relationships that we find suffering, discomfort and confusion. But if I remind myself that each relationship holds yet another key for me to step into the doorway of something better for myself, I can then start to look for the growth opportunities that lie within the struggle and conflict. “What was my part? What could I have done better so that I do not repeat this mistake? What would I improve about this relationship so I can strive for that in the next one? In what ways would I like to be treated better?”
Many people find comfort in their relationships, even if they are not all that great.
Once we know what to expect, we usually find a way to deal with the “less than great parts” without actually working towards improving them. Why? Probably because not only do we feel unequipped to make the improvements but also because we are just so grateful to not have to be alone anymore that we suck up the bad stuff by ignoring it and find ways to lie to ourselves about how the relationship actually makes us feel.
People who are in long-term romantic relationships tend to do this a lot; even when the relationship begins to deteriorate, they hold onto the ideas of how good it used to be meanwhile the issues start to build momentum. People get hurt, and it’s not really resolved. They stop listening to each other, and they communicate about how they feel less and less to avoid feeling rejected or unloved. They start to try to find ways to cope with what is now missing, and focus on “fixing” something else in their lives in an attempt to fill that void. Power struggles begin, and they start to quietly keep score. All the while, the connection that brought them together begins to unravel, and the love that was once enjoyed begins to get buried beneath the hurt, confusion, resentment and fear. And at some point, usually one person finally walks away. Sometimes it is a surprise to their partner, but other times both people knew it was coming eventually.
Maybe relationships (romantic ones in particular) were never really intended to last forever. Maybe the idea of life-long partners is something that people concocted to help them find comfort in believing they know what to expect.
I don’t know. But I do know that sometimes, if handled right and quickly enough, two people can prevent their relationship from being destroyed, but the problems have to be acknowledged and both people have to be committed to making things work for each other.
It can happen, although in my experience, it is very rare. And I think it is rare mostly because when we begin a relationship, we are often much different than we are 2 or 3 years down the road. One person grows, while the other is slower at their growth. Or two people grow in different directions. And sometimes we get involved with someone based on an illusion that this person will provide us with what we think we need, only to find out that they are not superhuman and that our baggage must be dealt with on our own…no one will save us. That realization can be a huge disappointment in a relationship. Or if this isn’t realized, we walk away and look for yet another savior.
When it comes to a “failed” relationship, I know it is easy to get lost in all of the emotions and thoughts that whirlwind around inside. It’s painful. And it sucks. No one gets into a relationship with the intention of having it not work out in the long run, and that hope or expectation that it will last can be devastating when it flops. And sure, the impact is probably different if you are not the person who ended the relationship, because if you were the one who ended it, it means you had gone through a letting go progression that got you to the point of walking away; in a sense, you would have probably grieved a lot of it before you left. So if you didn’t do the leaving, you are presented with a unique set of challenges to deal with. 
But you can still choose to view the entire experience as an opportunity, to grow, to learn, to redefine love and happiness.
I do this by looking at the “good” and the “bad” together, yet separate. I look at how much we had in common and what we didn’t. I look at how well our personalities matched, and our values and priorities.
“How loved did I really feel by that person? Did I feel that I could express myself and be heard? Was there compassion and consideration? Appreciation?”
Then I look at what expectations I may have had that weren’t as realistic as I thought. Did I have expectations that I did not openly express? Because if I did, it is hard to have someone meet expectations that they don’t know exist… This is all MY part in the relationship. How well I communicated what I needed and wanted, how I felt.
How much did I listen to my partner and was I willing to give more of what they wanted? Did they express what their needs were? If not, that’s not really on me. But did I bother to ask them? Was I really open to listening?
I try to understand that my idea of love is probably limited (and maybe feels a bit faulty sometimes). I try to stop defending myself and my partner and look to see how the relationship made me feel.
Like most people, I tend to try to understand what happened and why first. I analyze, look for answers, and maybe even ask questions. For me, healing begins with some kind of understanding, although there will always be aspects that we will probably NEVER understand.
But then I have to stop AND FEEL my emotions. All the other stuff is thought based, analytical. But if I don’t stop and acknowledge my feelings, the grieving process intensifies and gets prolonged. I would instead, try to avoid feeling the crap by distracting myself (which in moderation is okay) and filling the void with superficial relief (this is where rebound relationships come in).
Part of healing is psychological, but part of it is emotional.
Time can help, yes. But it is what we do during the time that matters. People can deny how they feel for years and years, but that doesn’t mean that they have healed just because time has passed. In fact, denying our emotions (in this case, our pain) only sets us up to have those very same emotions try to come out in all sorts of other (inappropriate) ways later.
If we don’t actually heal emotionally, we get into another relationship and suddenly start reacting to our new partner as if they were the last, because those emotions need to get out, and they will find a path. We end up projecting, blaming people in our lives now for how someone in our past made us feel.
When a relationship ends and people say to take time off before you get into another one, they say this because there needs to be healing. The time isn’t what really heals, its finding ways to sort through what has happened, how you feel about it and to grieve what you thought the relationship would be. If the relationship was bad enough, you might find that you are only grieving what you hoped it would be when it began. But if it still had some positive to it, you will probably have to grieve a little bit more.
Finding a way to let go of the emotions during grieving isn’t easy. If it were, there probably wouldn’t be nearly as many “damaged” people walking around today.
Most people know only how to suppress and deny their feelings and then continue to dump them onto other people later. Negative emotions can be overwhelming, scary and just freakin’ painful. Sometimes the pain seems like it will never end and that we will be sucked right down into the very pit we are trying to escape.
I have searched for years to find healthy, efficient, practical ways to release negative emotions so that I could get beyond “just coping” with them. The popular coping methods are helpful, for sure, because sometimes we can’t stop our lives to truly let things go. Things like venting or talking things out with someone we trust, who can be objective is important for many reasons. 1. It gives us an opportunity to not only express our feelings but also sort things out in small chunks verbally and 2. It provides us with an avenue to receive emotional support (compassion, empathy and love).
Some people see a psychotherapist to help them sort through it all and provide support and this can be very helpful. But not everyone is comfortable with that approach. Other coping tools are writing in a journal or creative writing (stories, poetry, blogs, etc.), listening to music, laughter, exercise…all of these are important. But usually expressing the emotions alone, although it gives us some relief, doesn’t really allow us to actually let the mass of it go.
There are books and audios and classes geared towards helping us learn to move on, heal and grow. Some are exceptionally perfect for what we need and where we are at, but others aren’t a good fit. Learning to heal is just that, LEARNING.
You can’t know what you don’t know, so understanding that you may not know just how 
to get where you want to go is the first step, because the second would be looking to LEARN what you need to.
Sometimes we try the trial and error method, which is usually exhausting and takes a long, long time. What if you could learn from someone else’s experience and cut that time in half? Wouldn’t that make sense?
One method to help release emotions that I have found personally helpful is EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It is a technique that is based on the energy meridians located in the body where emotional energy gets trapped or stuck, and by tapping on these energy points, you can release the trapped emotions. You can explore this technique by visiting the EFT website (www.eftuniverse.com) or by searching “EFT” on youtube.com.
Another effective method for releasing emotions that might be a little more traditional in nature is The Sedona Method. This method is a simple releasing tool that is based on acknowledging and allowing whatever the emotion is to be present, and by doing so, it begins to move through you and leave. You can find more on The Sedona Method at www.thesedonamethod.com.
If you find yourself holding on to a less-than-good relationship, are struggling with whether or not to end one, or are dealing with the aftermath of losing a relationship, keep in mind that the more you resist what is (how you feel as well as the circumstances) the harder things will get. Just because it seems normal to hold on to the past (and sometimes it seems normal to us to feel like crap), doesn’t mean you have to. But ignoring how you feel is not the same as healing and moving on or letting go.
Cut yourself some slack, take time to be with yourself and your feelings, and do your best to allow yourself the opportunity to explore what this circumstance could be offering you. It can be hard to see the benefits, but reminding yourself that something better is likely just around the corner once you heal, can help you move forward with a stronger sense of faith and courage.
*Holding hands image provided by “photostock” at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/agree-terms.php
Bravo! Great article, Jennifer!