Most of us were not taught how to create loving, supportive and fulfilling relationships. At best, we were taught some basics about socially acceptable behavior and consequences of inappropriate behavior in our social systems. But what we were taught doesn’t take into account our emotions, dealing with the emotions of another and ways to interact to create harmony and fulfillment.
You cannot have a fulfilling relationship that is void of emotions, so it is important to understand the emotional dynamics in your relationships as well as how to address those emotions.
The first thing you need to understand to start making a relationship work is that every person is looking for some fundamental emotional experiences. Every person wants to feel loved, and usually feeling the following causes a person to feel love internally.
1. Validated
2. Accepted
3. Important
4. Needed
5. Secure
When you feel validated, accepted, important, needed and secure, you feel loved. Likewise, the less you feel those things, the less loved you feel.
I can’t go over every aspect of what those feelings look like to us, or what they mean, because I am limited on space in this article, but what is important is that you consider what it means to you to feel like you are being validated, accepted, important, needed and secure, so that you can start to transform your relationships today!
There are certain ways that people interact with you that will cause you to feel loved, and without the people in your life expressing these things, you will likely experience conflict, loneliness and disconnect in your relationships.
1. Compassion
2. Consideration
3. Appreciation
When the people you care about express compassion, consideration and appreciation to you, you feel validated, accepted, important, needed and secure. The more compassion, consideration and appreciation you receive, the more loved you will feel!
If there are three basic forms of expressions that cause us to feel loved, why do people experience toxic relationships instead of fulfilling ones?
Well, to be honest, there could be any variety of reasons that so many relationships are toxic instead of fulfilling (codependency is one reason), but one main reason is that most people value different things and express in different ways. These differences cause one person to think that they are being loving and the other person to not feel loved.
In order to get what you want out of your relationships, you need to communicate with the ones you love about how you feel and what you want.
Every person expresses from their upbringing and past experiences, and most people give out what they would like to receive. But not every person appreciates the same things, expresses compassion in the same way or offers consideration in a like fashion. And these differences cause relationships to deteriorate and become toxic.
Get clear on what you would like more appreciation, compassion and consideration for, as well as how you would like it expressed from the people in your life.
Once you are clear about what you value, you can communicate your values to the people you love. And then be ready to ask them the same things, and listen. Because if two people care about each other, they naturally want to help each other feel good, and they themselves want to feel good. So if you approach the people in your life with these dynamics in mind, everyone can start to benefit from more satisfaction and find that their efforts are actually making a difference!
