Have you ever met someone that you just ‘clicked’ with? You know what I mean…you felt like you have known them for years even though you haven’t? You think alike, have the same kind of humor, share similar interests and feel connected?
Well, I was thinking about how fortunate I am to meet so many wonderful people who I resonate with in the line of work that I do, and I started thinking about how so many people I know (friends, clients and family) long to feel that comfortable with people. And that led me to a very simple and basic realization…
Everyone wants to be accepted by people that they value.
We want to be accepted at work, within our families, and socially. In fact, we LONG to be accepted. It drives us.
Why? What does that look like for most people, deep down inside?
Have you ever felt lost and alone? I’m sure you have. Feeling accepted is like the opposite of feeling lost and alone. When we feel accepted, we are receiving positive forms of attention from outside of ourselves, and it fills part of the natural void that most people have. The need for attention is one part of what I call the Point of Denial Equation (you can search that term on my website www.jennifertavana.com for more info.), and that need for attention drives us to find love.
So, most people have a need for attention (whether positive or negative attention), and most people look outside of themselves to satiate that need.
But is the need for attention “bad”? You might have thought so if you have ever been considered ‘needy’ by someone you value…
The idea that having a need for attention is bad is a misunderstanding I have had for a little while, thinking that we, as people, should be self loving enough to not need attention. And I have come to realize that this need is there for a reason, and although it is not bad in and of itself, it can create negative experiences if a person ONLY goes outside of themselves to fill their void. Balance, yes.
So having a need for attention, even though it is not bad, in my opinion, can lead us to being more fulfilled and self loving, as long as you are open to looking within and exploring ways that you yourself can give yourself more positive, loving attention.
So aside from becoming more self-loving, what might a person do to get more positive attention and feel more accepted by others?
First, recognize this need in yourself, and get in touch with it. If you sit still and call it up, you can listen to what “you need” right now, because there are certain kinds of attention given to you in different ways that make you feel loved, special, and valuable. And at different times, you may find that you need different types of this attention, a compassionate hug, affection, acknowledgement, validation, etc.
Once you start to consider what you need, you can ask yourself “How might I best receive the attention I need and from who?” Again, just be still and allow that part of yourself to speak to you. Because when you speak to YOU, you can then speak what you need to others.
Friends and family are pretty great at giving us positive attention (and by positive I mean loving, supportive, compassionate attention), but most people really value positive attention from someone that they are romantically or intimately involved with. And it’s not that romantic relationships mean more to us, but part of being fulfilled, or feeling “whole” is having balance within ALL of our relationships. That means that we express what we need and they respond in a positive manner.
No one person will ever meet all our relationship needs, and that is a disappointing expectation that we sometimes have.
So, take a minute and consider the different types of attention you value from the different people in your life and look inside to see what might be missing. You might be able to start finding a positive and healthy avenue to getting the attention you crave if you just acknowledge it honestly first. And then you can try to keep things in balance. And keep this in mind: other people want to be accepted too, and one way that we have learned to get acceptance is to give to and please others. With this being said, the people in your life might be really open to helping you meet your needs, because we all know that relationships are about giving and receiving.
How much easier would this all be if everyone knew what kinds of positive attention they needed and communicated to everyone else? Maybe I’m dreaming, but in any regard, remember to also give back to the people you care about!
