In my last post, I was talking about challenging myself with a GRATITUDE EXPERIMENT, and I kind of left you hanging (even if you didn’t realize it).
I talked briefly about working with my 6 year old stepson on shifting his emotions when he was sad, but I learned more than I thought I did by talking with him. You might want to try this!
You see, my stepson has two very different homes, with very different rules. As a previously certified preschool teacher, one of the things I have noticed early on is that this child has a very hard time if he is not getting attention from other people…which had caused him to struggle with using his imagination when he was by himself and actually not knowing how to “play by himself”. My husband and I started implementing “alone time” for him to help him learn how to be okay without anyone else giving him attention.
This is a lessen that will greatly serve him later in life because as most of us know, as adults we don’t
get to have someone entertain us 24/7, and many people have a hard time enjoying their own company and struggle with being alone…neither of us want that for this child.
Xander doesn’t like alone time, and when he comes to our house after being at his mom’s, he often cries as soon as he knows that he will soon be expected to entertain himself for a short time. We’ve discussed this numerous times, but on this particular Wednesday, things took a turn. Instead of me asking him what was wrong when he began to cry and having him tell me over and over ‘I don’t know”, I asked him once and after I got his usual response, I told him “Why don’t you stop what you are doing for a few minutes and think about why you are crying and when I ask you again, you can tell me.” (Hint, hint: take some time to get in touch with your feelings and what is causing them…)
Five minutes later, he told me that he knew what was wrong and proceeded to tell me “When I come on Wednesdays, I usually cry because I have been at my mom’s.”
I asked him, “Well, why would you cry from being at your mom’s and then coming here?”
“Because you have different rules.”
“Okay,” I said. “And is there something about having different rules that is making you cry?”
“Yeah, I have to play by myself sometimes.”
“Okay, that makes sense. We know you don’t like having to do that… So what are you thinking about that is making you feel sad?” (Hint, hint: what are you thinking about that is making you feel what you feel?)
“I’m thinking about playing at my mom’s with other people.”
“I am glad that you have thought about this. Now, what do you think your choices are as far as feeling sad and thinking about your mom’s rules?” (Hint, hint: Look at your options…)
He thought for a minute and then told me, “Make myself stop crying?”
I said, “Well, that is one choice, but if you feel sad and just hold it in and make yourself not cry, that probably won’t make you feel better…in fact, I could make you feel worse. If you’re sad, it is okay to cry and get it out. But what might be another choice? Can you get rid of the rule of playing by yourself sometimes while you are here?”
“No.”
“Okay, so if you can’t change that rule, and that rule is making you feel sad, what might be another choice? Because it doesn’t do you much good to sit and think about something you don’t like and can’t change right now, does it?”
Without skipping a beat he said, “I can stop thinking about it and think about something else.”
“That sounds like it might work. What would you think about instead?”
“Maybe think about happy things?”
“Good idea! Okay, so what I have been practicing is this: If I know that I can not change something I don’t like, I start thinking about other things in my life that I do like…things that make me feel good. So today, when I was feeling sad about not having a baby, I started thinking about how happy I am that you are in my life and all the fun things we get to do together. Then I started thinking about how happy I am that your daddy is in my life…and before you know it, I felt better! So, what things are you happy about in your life?” (Hint, hint: Shift your focus to what you are grateful for!)
He then worked to create a pretty long list of things that he likes about his life, presents from both houses, going to the beach, learning how to read, etc. In a matter of minutes, both of us were smiling and laughing, and the tears were all gone!
Think about this: How many times do we focus on things that are not fully in our control and get run over by the emotional crap that is attached to feeling like we don’t have control (victim)? How long do we allow our thoughts to travel down the road of “poor me” before we even notice and try to interrupt them?
The truth here is that most of us are not in the habit of paying attention to our thoughts and then we wonder why we feel emotionally challenged! Take what I did with my stepson and see if you can practice catching yourself when you start to feel sad, depressed, angry or defeated. When you notice those feelings, stop yourself and look at what you are thinking about. Then ask yourself, “Is this something I can change right now?” If not, immediately look for things in your life that you are grateful for and say it OUT LOUD. If you say it out loud, even if you don’t feel the gratitude, you will start. Thinking it isn’t always as powerful…speak it! Try this for a few days and see how quickly your moods shift.
1. Notice unpleasant feelings
2. Determine what you are thinking about
3. Determine whether or not you can change whatever is upsetting you
4. If you can not change it right now, shift your focus
5. Say out loud things that you are grateful for, even if you do not feel grateful. Force yourself to come up with 2-3 things, and if you can relate those things to the circumstance that is upsetting you, even better!
Happy Gratitude Hunting!
Jennifer
