Have you ever wondered why your child does the things that he does? Have you ever noticed that your child tends to do things he is not supposed to even after you have tried to correct the behavior? Well, you are not alone. The truth is that not many people understand how to implement consequences for kids effectively…
Your child does what he does because he does not know what else to do instead, and he wants your attention!
Does the above statement seem a little far-fetched to you? I want you think about this; how many children (or adults) will repeat a choice if it has a negative consequence if they 1. Know how to make a different (better) choice and 2. Have an abundance of positive attention and high self-esteem?
Children are in the process of discovering who they are…they are forming their self-image, confidence and self-esteem by their experiences. If a child knows what choices are “good” (beneficial), knows how to make good choices, and feels good about himself, he will very likely not exhibit behavior problems.
If your child is having behavior problems, it is likely that your discipline technique is NOT WORKING!
One of the biggest misconceptions for parents is how to use consequences in their discipline techniques. So the first thing you want to do is consider the specific behavior problem you would like to correct. For example, your child is hitting people, throwing tantrums, not listening and/or rebellious, just to name a few. Any of the issues listed can start to be corrected if you start to implement consequences differently. Then you need to understand that consequences will be more effective if they are implemented immediately after the undesirable behavior. And third, you have to be consistent and clear about the behavior you want to see, and what the consequence will be otherwise.
Understand that children will learn the fastest and easiest from natural consequences.
What this means is that the more natural a consequence is, the more your child will put “2 + 2” together. (Also, natural consequences usually happen immediately). “When I do this, ____ happens.” Of course you want to protect the child from natural consequences that are dangerous or unhealthy, but otherwise, you want to try to incorporate (and sometimes allow) the natural consequences of the child’s actions. “If I touch something that is hot, it hurts.” (This is an example, although I am not suggesting that you allow a child to touch something hot.)
If you ask a child to walk his feet (instead of run) because the environment is not set up for running and he doesn’t do as you ask, he will likely trip, right? The tripping would be a natural consequence that your child would likely remember. You might want to help your child connect the dots in that instance by saying, “I’m sorry that you tripped. I really wish you would’ve walked your feet like I asked. Do you think you would have tripped if you were walking instead of running?”
Another way to look at natural consequences is to tie the consequence as directly to the behavior as possible.
For instance, if you have an older child who does not turn off the TV after you have asked him to, the natural consequence would be to lose TV as a choice for a time period. When you implement the consequence, remind the child (don’t assume he will put this together on his own even if he is older), “Next time I ask you to turn off the TV, I want you to do it when I ask the first time.”
If you have a child who resists putting his things away and leaves his toys out in his room, a natural consequence that he might learn from is a toy breaking by being stepped on (or losing a toy) because it was left out on the floor. So here, you would ask the child to put away his things where they belong (and if the child is younger, you would want to assist him until he understands what you mean by that and how to do it). If the child is asked to do this on a regular basis, and does not do it and something breaks, remind the child, “Do you think this would have happened if it had been put away instead of left out on the floor? Now it is broken and you can’t use it.”
In my preschool, near the end of the day, I would have the children check the floor for any small toys like Lego’s because they knew that if anything was left on the floor, it would probably get sucked up into the vacuum after they left and they would not have as many toys to play with. They actually liked being able to make these kinds of choices because they felt like they were being productive and helping themselves.
Let’s say that you are at the beach or park, and your child is playing in the sand box. If you ask the child to keep the sand below his face and not throw it so that he does not get sand in his eyes and he does it anyway, he will likely get sand in his eyes…if this happens you want to remind him that if he had listened, he probably would not have gotten sand in his eyes. (You would also want to help him flush out the sand immediately.)
The overall goal is to have a specific, structured, and supporting discipline strategy to help your child make better choices and develop better listening skills.
But you can’t possibly be on top of your child every second of everyday and ward off everything that your child might do, no matter who you are. And having a discipline structure in practice along with understanding how to use consequences effectively will help your child be able to use better deductive reasoning and think for himself. As with anything, there needs to be balance between the guidance and room to learn and become independent. But being an educated parent will help you find where that balance is within your own family and help you have the confidence that you are providing your child with what he need, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
