High Standards: Are they working against you?

I have been wrestling with a new perspective for a couple of months now, and it has taken some pushing through my resistance to write about this particular journey before I am settled on it and understand it better…but I now realize that part of the process of me settling in, so to speak, is writing it all out (something that I often recommend to people is journaling, LOL).  So in light of being honest and upfront, I have not fully processed what I am going to propose here.

Earlier this week I got a call from a close friend.  This particular friend and I have very similar thought processes, and there have actually been times when we have startled each other by experiencing such similar problems and thoughts about the problems that we had to stop and regroup.  So, when something comes up with him, I usually pay attention because no matter how far away in miles we are from each other, there are usually uncanny parallels between us.

One of the first things he said to me on the phone was that he wanted to do a session with me because he wasn’t sure what was going on…he said that he was feeling good since we talked last, but that he thought he was becoming more negative in his thinking.  I stopped and listened closely, also tuning into my ‘sixth sense’ so that I might be able to offer up some insight or clarity.  He went on to say that maybe saying ‘becoming more negative’ isn’t accurate, but that he thinks he is ‘less positive’ than he used to be.

I stopped for a minute and told him that I knew what he was talking about because I had been noticing that very same dynamic with myself in the last couple of months.  Then out of my mouth came, “I don’t think you are less positive, you are just letting go of your idealistic mentality.”  We both stopped in silence as we pondered what was said.  “Hmph.”

After a second or two, my mind recalled the struggles I have had with the difference between being an optimist versus a realist versus a pessimist.  I have always had a hard time seeing the fine line between those three. And in the two seconds it took for that confusion to surface, I also noticed a sick feeling in my stomach that brought with it a lump in my throat.  I remember thinking to myself, “Uh oh, I’m hitting on something pretty big here…Note to self!”

To me, there is plenty of negative in the world to validate pessimism.  But we create our reality, so being an optimist always sounded better to me.  Being a realist seemed a little blurry, but I have always known (and have had it pointed out) that I was an idealist.  What was that?  Where did that fit into the three options?

My friend and I discussed this stuff for a few more minutes and I told him that I would sit with the idea of letting go of the idealist mentality and get back with him when I got some more clarity.  I hung up and immediately starting mentally digging for some understanding…in spite of the internal fit that was taking place.

The first thing that popped into my mind was how I would describe an idealist: someone who cares enough to have high standards and resuses to 'settle' for less, someone who refuses to succumb to “I can’t”, who believes in anything being possible, seeing the best in everyone and working to make the world a better (ideal) place.  Yup, that’s me!

I started talking with my Higher Self about it, but I couldn’t see clearly through the emotional surge that was trying to break out.  So, I figured that those emotions were trying to point me in a particular direction (because that’s what emotions do), and I got a confirmation from my H.S. about it.  I sat still for a minute or two and just noticed those feelings, and recognized that they were pointing back to when I was young and struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.  And as soon as I connected those dots, I realized that I decided to be an idealist right around that time, and I actually remember thinking that I needed to believe that the impossible was possible, or I was going to die.  (Deep, I know…)

I asked my H.S. if my thinking was accurate and I was told yes, and to continue looking at it.  Here’s what I discovered (so far)…

An idealist is always a perfectionist, because they can see in their mind the ideal, or perfect, way that things could be. 

A perfectionist is not always an idealist…but most perfectionists can very easily (and quickly) turn into idealists. (And a branch of being a perfectionist is all of you ‘over achievers’ out there, too.)

Action oriented people, those who almost always have to keep busy, work on stuff and tackle things as soon as they can after it occurs to them that they want to do something, fall into the same category because they are driven by the need to improve, fix or change, usually because there is an unconscious idea that how things are aren’t good enough and could be/should be better. 

I think idealists start out as action-oriented people, then move into perfectionism and ultimately into idealism.

So what, right?  Well, let me point out how any of these types of ‘personality traits’ can work against people…

First of all, nothing is ever going to be perfect, because perfect is often just a fantasy that someone comes up with, and because things can always be improved and changed, perfect in the sense of a static standard, doesn’t exist.  I have known this intellectually for a while now…

Secondly, once an idealist, over achiever, action-oriented person or perfectionist does get something in line with what they have decided it could/should be, they have to find something else to improve to satisfy their need to improve things!  And the world certainly offers a variety of things that could use some improvement, doesn’t it?

For me, my idealist mentality has caused me to attach to a very unrealistic world, so much so that I can’t even stomach watching the local news because it rubs so hard against what I know could be.  My mind couldn’t even make sense of some of the things that the news would report, and I refused to settle for the idea that the world sucks, because how could I possibly change THE WORLD?  Yeah, no pressure there, is there? LOL

With any of the perfectionist aspects, there is no room for ‘flow’ and allowing.  And once you get into the spiritual teachings, being in flow and allowing are talked about a lot…failure for the perfectionist.  Failure for not living in the perfect world, for not have perfect relationships, or not having a perfect life, and now failure for not being in flow and allowing…failure, failure, failure.  Holy cow!  No wonder I have had to release things around failure as much as I have!

Well, let’s keep going here because it gets clearer…

A few months ago, in a light conversation, talk of perfectionists came up and a friend of mine made a comment about how hard I work at whatever it is I am doing and I commented back, “Yeah, but I’m not a perfectionist.”  She laughed and I was almost a tiny bit insulted (in a fun way).  I told her that my life was far from perfect so how could she think of me as a perfectionist?  We debated for a minute or two and jumped over to dictionary.com and looked up their definitions for perfectionist (and a few other words that were linked to it).

(Feel free to venture over to dictionary.com and look this stuff up…I haven’t included everything that is listed, only what seems relevant.)

Perfectionism

-noun

1. any of various doctrines holding that religious, moral, social or political perfection is attainable.

2. a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.

3. a tendency to set rigid high standards of personal performance.

High, rigid standards?  Who, me?  Hmmm…I always thought having high standards was a good thing.

Merriam-Webster’s Medical Dictionary says: a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable especially: the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness.

Uh oh…I am starting to see some kind of pattern here…

Perfectionist: A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.

Under the thesaurus it lists “idealist” for perfectionist

Under the definition of IDEALIST: A visionary or impractical person, a person who represents things as they might or should be rather than as they are.

Am I really impractical??

Lower down it says:

“One whose conduct is influenced by ideals that often conflict with practical considerations.”

I don’t remember where I saw this one, but somewhere (after jumping around with different definitions) I found a definition that said that a perfectionist was a person who was extremely thorough (or something like that).  And when I saw that, I knew I was a perfectionist because I am extremely thorough.  But I hadn’t considered that being a perfectionist (or idealist) would have negative effects on my life.  Well, for good reason I guess because ideally, it wouldn’t!!!

Me listing those definitions is likely yet another way for me to be extremely thorough, too!

I bring this all up because 1. I believe that having a frame of reference for things can increase the likelihood of making connections within ourselves and 2. There are many, many people who have worked with me who share some of these traits and experience issues, blocks and problems because of them.

One could argue that there are always two sides to things, and I agree.  To a certain point, anything we experience can be considered positive, helpful, good and/or productive…but it is also fair to say that beyond a certain point there is also a negative effect.  Where has this information/realization left me so far?

Well I can tell you that I feel shaken up inside.  I had never realized that part of the reason that I have had such a hard time with things in my life was due to my idealistic mentality, which is not at all a practical mentality (so I have learned).  Sure, that mentality has helped me connect to people in a very effective and positive way (usually more positive for them), but it also has worked against me.

 Perfectionism has caused me to have unbalanced personal boundaries…they’d be set way too far out because I would also see the good in people and conclude, based on that perception, that people were naturally also considering how they affect me (because that was what ‘good’ people do I guess). 

In light of this, I have been walked on, taken advantage of, taken for granted and disregarded more than I care to recall.  I have had to fight my way to what I deserve with others because my idea of where they were at as a person did not match up with where they actually were.  It totally fed into codependency!

In another aspect, I can see the “ideal” outcome of a goal and work to take steps to achieve that goal, but because the end result was not realistic, the steps that I often took were not practical…failure! 

Holy smokes!  It has never dawned on me that if I see the world (how it really is) through tinted glasses, (how I would like it to be) I would experience a lot of disappointment, frustration, consfusion and have to work twice as hard to get a result than if I just accepted the world as it is right here and now.  My next task is to find a productive place being a "realist" and maybe even an "optimist", so my efforts can be more practical…

I am also reevaluating where I am at, my goals, how I have learned to achieve goals as well as my relationships that were likely founded on (or influenced by) unrealistic ideas and expectations.  Ugh. 

And I find it very interesting that when I was looking for the reason or cause for me connecting to an idealistic mindset, I discovered that in the midst of my depression. I needed a way to believe that life was not as bad as I felt it was.  I was overcome by emotional stress and pain and everywhere I looked, those emotions painted the world into a dark, hopeless place.  The way that I survived those years was to not buy into it all. 

Reality was unbearable for a long time, and I needed something to believe in.  I didn’t know how to be an optimist because I didn’t know how to be practical in my reality.  My reality was bleak and I was a teenager whose family was torn to pieces when my dad died. 

So it is likely, I presume, that perfectionists, overachievers, and idealists connect to or develop that mind-set in an attempt to overcompensate for (or balance out) some lack or pain or fear that they perceive or experience. 

And it also most likely connects to a perception of unworthiness, because after all, working so hard to improve anything and getting it to such a high standard of acceptable must mean that the person who accomplished it is acceptable too…

My head is still spinning, but I am excited to see this dynamic in myself because I can make some changes in my life based on what I have learned.  Who knows what things will look like later on, but I can tell you that I suspect there will be a transition of some sort as I notice and release that mindset when it comes up.  Yeah, I am a little scared, too.  This is an entirely new concept for me, but seeing the negative effects of being an idealist is more than motivating to embrace something new.  I'd like to find a peaceful balance between being a realist and an optimist, so that my efforts can be more productive and not exhaust me!  There's no need for me to re-invent the wheel as I have attempted to do so many times before…